Begin with the life each person expects
Ask what a normal weekday and weekend should look like after marriage. Where would you live? Who else would share the home? How often would you visit each family? Is relocation likely? Small practical expectations can become large conflicts when everyone assumes their version is obvious.
Listen for the reasoning behind an answer. Two people may both want to live with parents, but one sees it as permanent and the other as a short arrangement while saving for a separate home. The headline answer matches; the plan does not.
- Where do you expect to live during the first two years?
- What responsibilities do you currently have toward parents or siblings?
- How much privacy and family involvement feels comfortable?
- Would you consider moving within Pakistan or abroad?
Talk about faith and values in specific terms
“Religious” and “moderate” are broad labels. Ask what faith looks like in daily life, how religious occasions are observed, and what each person expects regarding dress, socialising, gender roles, and the religious upbringing of children.
The purpose is not to test someone’s vocabulary or win an argument. It is to find differences that would affect daily choices. A respectful disagreement may be manageable; an expectation that one person will quietly change after marriage usually is not a plan.
Discuss work, money, and standard of living
Ask whether both people intend to work, study, start a business, or pause a career. Discuss household expenses, savings, debt, financial support for relatives, major purchases, and who expects to manage the budget. Income can change; attitudes toward money often matter just as much as the current figure.
Do not reduce the conversation to salary. Someone may earn well and spend without planning, or earn modestly and manage responsibly. The question is whether expectations are realistic and whether both people can discuss money without secrecy or humiliation.
- Are there debts or financial commitments the other person should know about?
- What standard of living do you expect at the beginning of marriage?
- How should large financial decisions be made?
- What are your views on mehr, wedding costs, gifts, and family contributions?
Ask about children and caregiving
Discuss whether each person wants children, any preferred timeline, and how childcare and household work would be shared. These are not promises that life will follow a schedule. They show whether the two of you are starting from compatible hopes.
Also ask how you would handle care for an ill parent, a child who needs extra support, or a period when one spouse cannot work. Marriage is not lived only under ideal conditions.
Make room for health conversations
Relevant physical and mental health information should be discussed honestly before commitment, with dignity and appropriate privacy. The point is not to stigmatise a diagnosis. It is to understand treatment, support needs, inherited risks where relevant, and any effect on shared plans.
Do not demand sensitive medical records during an early meeting or circulate someone’s health information through the extended family. When a specific medical question matters, speak to a qualified clinician together and agree on what needs to be shared.
Learn how disagreement is handled
Ask about a recent disagreement and how it was resolved. What happens when someone needs space? When should parents become involved? What behaviour is unacceptable even during anger? A rehearsed answer matters less than whether the person can acknowledge fault and talk about repair.
Pay attention to the conversation you are already having. Can you finish a sentence? Can the other person disagree without mocking you? Are boundaries respected? The manner of discussing these questions is itself useful information.
You do not need to finish the list in one sitting
A rishta meeting should not feel like a job interview with forty questions. Choose a few important topics, answer them both ways, and return to the rest over several conversations. Give each person time to think instead of treating an immediate answer as proof of honesty.
Before saying yes, make sure the important answers came from the prospective spouses—not only from parents speaking on their behalf. Families matter, but the two people entering the marriage need a direct, respectful conversation of their own.